DUNCAN AND KLAUS

Just some random one shot I wrote. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing. So. Leave. Me. Alone.

Duncan and Klaus:

Duncan was 17 and Klaus was 16. Duncan was spending the night at the Baudelaire Mansion. The rest of the Baudelaires and the Quagmires each had something different to do. So Klaus and Duncan were stuck, alone, and bored. They were sitting in the living room having their 34th stare-down that night. (I told you were bored!)

Duncan decided to tell some jokes.

"Hey Klaus, think of a country that starts with a 'D' and don't tell me what it is."

"Ok, I got it."

"Now think of an animal that starts with the last letter of that country and don't tell me what it is."

"Ok, I got it."

"Now think of a fruit that starts with the last letter of that animal and don't tell me what it is."

"Ok, I got it."

"You're thinking of an orange," Duncan said firmly.

"No I'm thinking of grapes."

"What?" Duncan asked dumbfounded.

"What was your country?" he asked Klaus.

"Duke of Gloucester Island."

"I said country, not island."

"Oh, well, same thing."

"Your animal?"

"Dog."

"Fruit?"

"Grape, I told you that already!"

"Gosh, Klaus! Your country is supposed to be Denmark, your animal is supposed to be kangaroo, and your fruit is supposed to be an orange! And I'd tell you it's an orange and you'd say 'Wow, how'd you know that?' and I'd say 'I CAN READ MINDS!' " Duncan yelled really fast and in one breath.

"Sorry…"

"Stupid smart-alic brain…" Duncan mumbled.

"You say something Duncan?"

"No, no, nothing."

About 2 years later- oops typo.

About 2 minutes later Duncan came up with a NEW joke.

"Hey Klaus, why do elephants paint their toenails red?"

"Duncan, that's absurd. Elephants can't paint-"

"ANSWER THE STUPID QUESTION!"

"Ok…I don't know, Duncan…"

"So that they can hide in cherry trees," Duncan answered.

"But, Duncan, elephants can't hide in cherry trees."

"Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Hmm, Klaus? HMMM?

"No."

"Then how do you know they can't?"

"…Good point…"

Silence.

"You want some Jell-O?" Klaus asked Duncan.

"Sure."

Klaus left and came back with 2 Jell-O cups and 2 forks.

"Hey Klaus, how can you tell if an elephant's been in the refrigerator?"

"Duncan, please. An elephant can't-"

"KLAUS!"

"Sorry, sorry. I don't know…"

Duncan began poking holes into his Jell-O with his fork and said, "When there are footprints in the Jell-O." He showed his Jell-O to Klaus.

"Duncan, those aren't elephant footprints. Those are just holes you poked in with your fork. An elephant's foot would surely squish that Jell-O cup."

"Grr…" Duncan growled. Then he said, "Hey, Klaus, I bet you can't say 'Denise sees the fleece

Denise sees the fleas.

At least Denise could sneeze

And feed and freeze the fleas.' really fast without messing up!"

Klaus tried. He failed. He said, "Denise sees the fleece,

Denise didn't sees the fleas.

At least Delise could sneeze

And feed and fleeze the fleas.

That's hard!"

"Exactumundo, my friend!" Duncan cried out.

Klaus raised an eyebrow.

"I'm a crashing light cap on the ocean," Duncan said flipping his hair.

"So I'm more awesomer than you," Duncan also said smirking.

Klaus raised his other eyebrow.

"Naw! I'm just kidding! I love you, Buddy!" Duncan yelled hugging Klaus and they both fell backwards.

"Get off me, Duncan!" Klaus begged.

"Ok…"

"Knock, knock," said Duncan knocking on Klaus's head.

"Who's there?" Klaus asked.

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting c-"

"MOO!"

Klaus BURST OUT laughing.

"Ha, ha, ha. Wooo…that's a good one…"

"Klaus. Everyone has heard that one."

"Really?"

"Yeah. David Everyone. You've met him. I got it from him."

"Oh.

Silence.

"Betcha $10 I can make you say pink," Duncan said, interrupting the silence.

"Betcha $10 you can't," Klaus said.

"Mm k, What are the colors of the American flag?"

"Easy. Red, white, and blue. Why?"

"I just made you say pink," Duncan said smiling.

"I didn't say pink; I said red white and blue."

"You just said pink."

"Darn!" Klaus ran upstairs and came back down with $10 in hand.

"Where'd you get this?" Duncan asked suspiciously.

"Violet's room," Klaus answered casually, "She's got plenty of money in the bank. She don't need a measly $10."

Duncan nodded in agreement.

Silence…again…

"I want to know what love is!" Duncan began singing/yelling, "I want you to shoow me!"

"The definition?" asked Klaus.

"Yes, Klaus. Instead of experiencing real love with a real girl, I rather have the definition," Duncan said sarcastically.

"But you told me you experienced it eleven times."

"Ten times! It was ten times, Klaus."

"No, eleven. There's Faith. That's a new one."

"Ohhhh…riiiiight…gotcha."

"I'ma get me some Orange Juice. Want some Orange Juice?" Duncan asked.

"Sure."

Duncan walked to the kitchen to get them some Orange Juice. About ten seconds later, Klaus heard a big crash, splash, another crash, and a scream coming from the kitchen. Klaus quickly ran to the kitchen. To his horror, half the kitchen was covered in Orange Juice, some glass, and a Duncan.

"Duncan! What happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened! My pants got wet! And my underwear is wet!…With Orange Juice!"

"Aw man, Violet is going to flip!"

"She can do a flip?"

"Well, she comes home at 10:00, we got some time," Klaus said ignoring Duncan.

"Are you listening to me?" Duncan asked.

"Oh my gosh! Nope, no time!" Klaus said, ignoring Duncan…again.

"What do you mean 'no time'? Of course there's time! That's why we have clocks! Duh!"

"No, Duncan! Violet said she comes home at 10:00, and it's 9:45!"

"Your point?" Duncan asked, confused.

"WE HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO CLEAN THIS KITCHEN, OR VIOLET WILL KILL US!"

"She can't do that…that's Count Olaf's job. And he's dead! So…yeah."

Klaus was about to give up on Duncan, but he finally said, "When Klaus big sister explode, no more kissy Faithy."

Duncan immediately began freaking out, "OH MY GOSH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING AROUND? WE GOT A KITCHEN TO CLEAN! LETS GO, KLAUS, LETS GO!"

Klaus rolled his eyes and got two rags for him and Duncan.

They finished (Yay!). Once Klaus put away the rags, Violet walked through the doors with Beatrice in her arms and Sunny walking next to her.

"Hey guys! Havin' fun?" she asked.

"I guess. It was pretty boring," Klaus said.

Violet put Beatrice down on the counter, where Beatrice was singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' to herself in baby jibberish. And Sunny ran to where Klaus and Duncan where standing. She said, 

"I personally think they had a party," while looking up at them and smiling.

"No, I don't think they would do that," Violet said.

Isadora walked in carrying some grocery bags, she placed them on the counter and walked over to Klaus.

"Hello, dear," she said hugging him.

"Oh, what about me? Am I not your darling? I see how it is, Isadora! We are through!" Duncan said.

"Duncan-" Isadora said before she was rudely interrupted by Duncan who yelled, "THROUGH!"

He was joking the whole time of course.

Then Quigley walked in—well, danced in. He was holding about nine grocery bags with a burger in his mouth. Imagine how that would look.

"Hey, Big Brother!" Duncan yelled. He ran over to Quigley and stole the burger from his mouth, and began running around in a circle with it.

"No, Duncan! Give me back my burger!" Quigley yelled at Duncan, he threw the bags on the floor and began chasing his younger brother around the kitchen.

"No!"

"Please, Duncan!"

"No!"

"I used my own money for that!"

"No!"

"I made out with it!"

"Ewww! Take it back," Duncan yelled, thrusting it in Quigley's hands.

"Did you seriously?" Klaus asked.

"No, but Duncan would," Quigley answered.

"Hey!"

"Enough, you guys! Whenever we're all together, we can never get peace!" Violet yelled, closing the front door.

"That's the point," Duncan mumbled.

"Sunny, time for bed. Go upstairs. I'll be up there in a minute," Violet ordered.

"What about Beatrice?" Sunny asked.

"I'll bring her upstairs," Violet said.

"Ok," Sunny said, "But can I have some cereal first?"

"Sure."

Sunny opened a NEW bought cereal box (it was bought the day before).

"Hey, how did Orange Juice get in here?" Sunny asked once she opened the box.

Duncan and Klaus looked at each other.

"Whatever you do, do NOT ask us," Duncan said, then he and Klaus left to go watch TV. Leaving everyone else confused.

There you have it! Wow…that took a while to type. I actually wrote this story several months ago, and I'm actually uploading it NOW. Anyways…review! Tell me what you thought about it! You know you want to…

;)